"Okay, here's the plan. Me, my 7-week old baby and 4 friends are gonna rob the candy store. Then we're gonna eat candy as we make our getaway, all the while tossing candy wrappers to the wind."

A trail of candy and wrappers led Cincinnati police right to the suspects. Four people were charged with breaking and entering, taking $400 in candy and child endangerment.  That'll teach you to litter, Dufus.

A man wanted to express his love for his girlfriend and ask her to marry him in a very romantic way so...he set the stage for his proposal.  "He had candles in the trees, candles and dogwood petals along the path, a chandelier with votive candles."  Go ahead guess what happened next.  I'll give you a hint. The person quoted for this article was Fire Chief Andy Metz of Chappaqua, NY.

By the way, the girlfriend said yes. I guess he's just a hunk, a hunk of burning love.

A Connecticut correction officer has been charged with workers compensation fraud. He was caught on video running a 40-yard-dash in women's clothing and high heels — at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work. He was participating in a radio station's contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon.

See people, wearing ladies shoes is considered a sporting event and I have the twisted ankle to prove it!

Long Island, NY - You get pulled over by the police for a traffic violation. Trouble, right? They find out you have a suspended license and haul you down to the station. More trouble, right? They process you and all you have to do is pay the bail, so what do you do? You try to pay with counterfeit currency! You're in deep doodoo now buddy! Federal felony charges trouble.

Troopers charged a 42-year-old woman with DUI after she came to work to clean the Newport, Oregon state police office. A trooper said she showed signs of being intoxicated after driving to the office with her 12-year-old son. A blood-alcohol test showed her level was 0.19 percent - more than twice the legal limit. They threw her in the slammer and took her son home. 

Honey...Alice you ain't.

Credit: The title for this post is a quote from the movie Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller

Remember sitting in Social Studies wondering why the teacher was making you draw maps and filling in which state was which? 

Well, two sisters from Virginia must have really learned their lessons because they just sold a corn flake shaped like Illinois on eBay Friday night for $1,350.  Monty Kerr of Austin, Texas, the owner of a trivia Web site wants to add the corn flake to a collection of pop culture and Americana items.

Even Cookie Monster would slap his forehead on this on!  Police say a man's excuse for speeding through a small Connecticut town takes the cake, or at least the cookie. A state trooper stopped a 28 yr old man driving a BMW for speeding and erratic driving.  His reason - a rogue cookie. The driver told the trooper that an Oreo had slipped out of his hand as he dunked it in a cup of milk, and that he was trying to fish it out when he lost control of his car.

That'll teach you not to play with your food!  In many prison systems there are various methods of controlling inmate behavior.  One way is to the threaten with the dreaded Nutraloaf.  It's a mixture of cubed whole wheat bread, nondairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, seedless raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, powdered milk and dehydrated potato flakes.  Sounds yummy, (ick).

Prison officials call it a complete meal. Inmates say it's so awful they'd rather go hungry.  It's so bad that the prisoners filed a class-action suit in Vermont to have it listed as a punishment and that anyone subjected to it should get a formal disciplinary process first.  Hey if you play you pay.

Only in New York!  A businessman is suing a strip club because he claims that he was injured when a stripper giving him a lap dance swiveled and smacked him in the face with the heel of her shoe causing him "serious eye injuries."  You see, the nuns were right, porn will make you blind.

Crowd Goes Hog Wild and Robber Gets Hog Tied

Listen, robbers - You guys are making it too easy for me.  Here's another poor pilferer who didn't quite get it right.

This guy didn't check out his intended target so wasn't he unpleasantly surprised when he raided a bar in Sydney, Australia.  He donned the usual burglar uniform, a ski mask and a machete (here in the States he would have used a 45 automatic but, hey) and stormed in.

It turns out a biker gang association, the Southern Cross Cruiser Club, was holding a meeting there.  Mr. Burglar Man ended up hog-tied and in the hospital. (AP)

I Guess Women Do Take Longer In the Bathroom

A 35-year-old woman sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time he called police.   The town Sherriff said it appeared the Kansas woman's skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom.  She apparently had certain phobias that kicked in when she used the bathroom and one day she just didn't come out. (For 2 years??)

The boyfriend says, "She is an adult; she made her own decision.  I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that." Duh, ya think?! "But after a while, you kind of get used to it."  How the heck do you get used to someone stuck in your toilet?  Someone please tell me there was a 2^nd bathroom somewhere.

Yes, I have internet connection issues!

Man hits woman on the way to anger control class

Justin Boudin of St. Paul, Minnesota may need a tutor for his anger management classwork becauce he is obviously missing the point.

While he was waiting for the bus, he felt a  59-year-old woman needed to be taught a lesson too so he started screaming at her, "Why don't you show me some respect?"  When she started to call for help on her cellphone, he punched her in the face and then battered a 63-year-old man who came to her aid.  His weapon of choice? His homework folder from anger control class.

He pleaded guilty to fifth-degree assault charges for losing his temper on the way to class.  I didn't know the charges went that high - Fifth degree.  Maybe it's because it happened at a bus stop instead of a train station or maybe because he used a folder instead of a composition notebook.

Even more believable drop hints the day before.

Man had friend shoot him in the shoulder so he could skip work

We've all had those days when you would give anything for a day off from work.  You call in sick, sniffle a little into the phone, have your spouse call for you, get your doctor to add a few extra days off on your sick note, whatever but this???

The sheriff's dept in Franklin County, Washington said a man had his friend shoot him in the shoulder so he wouldn't have to go to work.

He told them he'd been the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was jogging. But detectives said he later admitted that he asked a friend to shoot him so he could get some time off work and avoid a drug test. (A Ha! Drugs will make you stupid, yessiree.)

 I'm not sure whose dumber but I'm pretty sure they're both fired.

When Career Builders says "Think outside the box," I don't think this is what they mean.Store bandit takes $115 but leaves behind a clue

Detectives are always looking for clues at crime scenes.  Sometimes it takes astute thinking, a sharp eye, state-of-the-art technology and a little bit of luck to find enough puzzle pieces to solve crimes.

Not this time.  The robber of a convenience store in Des Moines, Iowa, made it quite easy to solve his crime.  He was nice enough to leave behind a big, fat clue to his identity.  It might as well have had a neon arrow putting to it.  He left behind his hat, his jacket and HIS W-2 form!

Maybe the Block in H&R Block stands for Cell Block but what's up with the W-2 anyway?  I didn't know Armed Robbery was a taxable profession.
Hmmm, who knew I had all these career options.