The Lonely Island Episode 2: Regarding Ardy

The Dudes from The Lonely Island are back with another episode.
It eventually became a pilot presentation for Comedy Central.

This time they somehow manage to enlist the help of model, actress & Broadway star Brooke Shields and actor Kal Penn (from 'House' and 'Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle'). 

These guys are ridiculous, dorky, and so I-can't-be-I'm-wasting-my-time-watching-this-but-it's-funny!

Earrings, make-up and more recently tattoos and piercings are accepted forms of body cosmetics. Surprisingly, no jewelry is available for the one physical feature that is most important in social interactions, the eye.

Enter the “JewelEye” implant.  This concept can be upsetting to some, especially conservative doctors, developed by Dr. Gerrit R.J. Melles (MD PhD) at the Netherlands Institute for Innovative Ocular Surgery.

What the heck is it?

Long Answer (My version): You voluntarily, at no threat of your family being killed or world annihilation, willing take a plane ride to Amsterdam, drop off your bags (which should include an 'Idiots Guide to Braille' textbook, just in case, you know).

You then take a short train ride to Utrecht, where a place called Retina Total Eye Care Clinic, which under the guise of a luxurious spa (a ruse to lure unsuspecting sheep into a hellish trap of unspeakable tortures) serves you such vile swill as tea or espresso, (most likely spiked with sedating potions with no name) so that you cannot flee for your life when Agent X729 drags your semi-lifeless body into the back chambers of corporal mutilation. All this can be yours for a mere 800 Euros!

Short Answer (Their Version): Cosmetic Extraocular Implant —  They implant a small piece of platinum jewelry under the surface of the eye.

Supposedly, there is no damage to either visual performance or mobility of the eye.

Apparently, healing is uneventful and involves nothing more than a course of antibiotic drops such as Tobramycine.

Allegedly, you don't have an irritated, ouch-who-threw-sand-in-my-eyes feeling.

--------------------------------------------

Amsterdam is known for it's ease in obtaining what other cities may consider lude — prostitutes, gambling, drugs, so why not eyeball torture if that's your thing. 

What's next, maybe a 'Your Insides Out Transplant'...

Do you remember the popular Country music song, "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" by Crystal Gayle written by Richard Leigh?

Supposedly Leigh wrote the song because his dog had one brown eye and one blue eye NOT because he was SO bored with life that he actually tattooed his corneas blue!

The NY Post, Custom Essay Writing and Body Modification Magazine have all reported the efforts three people's efforts to turn the whites of their eyes blue.  (I can only wonder if they applied such effort to solving a more useful or humanitarian problem where the world would be).

One technique used was a syringe that injected ink into the eye. The subject of such lunacy indicated that all was well, with but it felt like he had something in his eye.  (Yeah a shitload of cancer mixed in with a healthy dose of dumbass!)

Hurray for medical ingenuity because there are good reasons for this technique to have been developed.  For example, if someone suffered burning, bruising or scars to the eye from some type of trauma or a stain or blemish from disease then a tattoo can cover it and the eye can look normal but...

Just because you thought the guy that played an evil possessed demon looked cool is not a good reason to risk, infection, scarring, bleeding, allergic reaction or blindness, not to mention RIDICULE.

From a style perspective, do I think it's cool?  Hell Yeah.
Am I brave/foolish enough to do it?  Hell No! 

Marine Maj. Brian Dennis' best friend from the Iraq war was waiting to greet him when the fighter pilor returned from battle.  His best buddy— a 2-year-old dog named Nubs.

It is not only the people who are affected by war.  Major Dennis rescued the dog while on patrol in Iraq and nursed him back to health after finding him stabbed with a screwdriver.  He named the dog Nubs because someone cut his ears off!

The Dennis family and close friends helped raise $3,500 to fly the dog to San Diego about a month ago.  (Source: Associated Press)

Thank you to the Marines and all the armed forces who risk their lives everyday seeing and doing what most of us cannot imagine let alone have the bravery and fortitude to carry out and still maintain a loving, compassionate heart, obvious by Major Dennis' actions. 

From all of us at StyleSwag Magazine

Crowd Goes Hog Wild and Robber Gets Hog Tied

Listen, robbers - You guys are making it too easy for me.  Here's another poor pilferer who didn't quite get it right.

This guy didn't check out his intended target so wasn't he unpleasantly surprised when he raided a bar in Sydney, Australia.  He donned the usual burglar uniform, a ski mask and a machete (here in the States he would have used a 45 automatic but, hey) and stormed in.

It turns out a biker gang association, the Southern Cross Cruiser Club, was holding a meeting there.  Mr. Burglar Man ended up hog-tied and in the hospital. (AP)

I Guess Women Do Take Longer In the Bathroom

A 35-year-old woman sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time he called police.   The town Sherriff said it appeared the Kansas woman's skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom.  She apparently had certain phobias that kicked in when she used the bathroom and one day she just didn't come out. (For 2 years??)

The boyfriend says, "She is an adult; she made her own decision.  I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that." Duh, ya think?! "But after a while, you kind of get used to it."  How the heck do you get used to someone stuck in your toilet?  Someone please tell me there was a 2^nd bathroom somewhere.

AT&T Tilt PhoneI have to admit I have a love/hate relationship with my cell phone.  I constantly complain how it has intruded on my peace.  Everyone expects me to be available 24/7.  I get whining comments like , "I tried to call you???" And I wasn't available, what's the big deal?  They then stare at me with this incredulous expression. 

My problem is I'm not sure who to blame for my lousy cell phone experience, the phone manufacturer that made the phone or the phone company for crappifying (everyone knows crap is my favorite noun, now I can come up with verbs, adjectives for it) the phone's software?

Exclusive web offers at the Official Site of AT&T. Compare prices and find great deals on phones. Plans starting at $39.99. Instant online rebates. Restrictions apply.    (Of course)

I think it's me.  Besides the constant intrusion of all that ringing in my ears (maybe I should see a doctor) I feel like a sucker.  Take what's been around forever like phones and television reception and wrap it up in a new techie coat and then charge the crap (Oops, sorry. I did promise to limit the use of that word) out of me.

Why do you charge me whether I call or they call?  They charge you to sign up and then they charge you cancel.  That's double dipping if you ask me. 

Here's an idea.  Make a phone to the CUSTOMERS specifications.  Apple is doing well with its phone because it was designed to do what the customers want and to be easy to use.  I admit it, after seeing the iphone if I wasn't on a self-imposed belt-tightening, penny-pinching, debt-reducing mission, I might cough up the cash for one. 

I do believe they know what we want, that wouldn't be good business to give it to us because then we'd be happy customers with no desire or need to upgrade to next 'new and improved' model.  Why give you all that you want for for $500 when he could make you spend $500 now, and then pimp you out for another $500 later? And continue to do it over and over...

I've got beef with the cable companies too.  I used to get quite a few channels for free with the mere assistance of rabbit ear antenna, a hanger and sometimes some foil paper. 

Now cable companies charge you just for reception, let alone any channels you want to watch.  The free channels are free because the advertisers pay.  Well why am I bombarded with advertising on the premium channels since I pay?  You should have a choice, free with ads or pay with no ads.

Now don't get me wrong.  I love my phone, I love my television (no really, it's true luvvv) and I love watching television.  It's my escape from reality.  Even reality TV doesn't have much reality in it and I do love technology but I also love efficiency. 

Why does it have to be so complicated?  There are less steps to doing a blood transfusion (giving or getting) than to programming a remote control!  For all that work, I shouldn't have to play guess-which-remote when increasing the volume while watching a dvd.

The fact that a phone is a phone, a television is a television and a computer is a computer.   Perhaps the problem lies with the constant struggle to meld all these devices into one...

Even Starfleet Command understood this limitation.  You never saw Spock and Bones trying to combine the communicators, tricorders and phasers did you?  The communicators went from the flipphone variety to a cool, little tap brooch.

So until my Star Trek Communicator is ready, I'm going back to my good ole' answering machine and low tech Post It Notes.

You could take a more extreme approach.  NaturalNano has created a paint that stops cellphone signals. It's done by blending particles of copper that are inserted into nanotubes, and then mixing and suspending these tiny particles into a can of paint.

A few commenters at Gizmodo.com made some good points: One said, "I wanna dip my head in it."  Great idea!  I will be blissfully ignorant to all the ringing. 

Another stated:  "I guess if you want to commit a felony (blocking radio waves), this is an easy and cheap way to go about it."  Yeah, which brings me right back to the cable companies.  Are they scrambling my free signals?  I smell a conspiracy.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he didsomething wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Find more hilarious humor at: http://makesyoulaugh.blogspot.com